I’ve been wanting to write more posts about things like feelings and everyday life, but sometimes the sheer idea of that scares the crap out of me. Do I really want everyone to know just how miserable and vulnerable I feel lately? How Lost I feel? How scared I am of EVERYTHING!
About a week ago a friend of mine posted she felt the same way, and said she had shared it with the world so she was now accountable for those feelings, so she could try and change them. I like the idea of that. The idea that if I put it out there, it is known, it is no longer my own secret. It is something I can try and change.
I feel super lost. I wake up every morning and have so much that I want to do, but I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t get anything done. Two months of being super tired and trying to (mostly) hide it made things even worse. I don’t even want to leave the house, yet I feel like I’m probably missing out by not doing so. I am constantly struggling with myself about everything. Even the smallest details frustrate the hell out of me right now. “Tea or Coffee? I have no idea so I won’t drink either”.
It’s seriously affecting my creativity too!! I can’t decide on anything! I have no idea what I want to do, who I am, where am I going, what am I doing with my life. Art School Dropout turning 10 years old this month made me question a lot. Do I want to continue this path? Do I want to do something different? I love making things, but still ask these things daily, maybe that means I should try something different?
I look in the mirror everyday and don’t even recognize myself anymore. I look tired and sad, no matter how much I try to smile. Before the gluten test crap, I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight, I felt great. Now it is a nightmare to even think about going to the gym, or how I’ll get there! My gym buddy has a super large workload right now and cant drive me (If your reading this Ash, I’m not upset about that), which brings me to the biggest thing bringing me down. I don’t drive, I did once, but I haven’t had a drivers license in 10 years. Before moving out to the country I didn’t need to drive. We lived in the city! I had public transit and a scooter. Now I have daily reminders that yes, I am 30, and I do not have a drivers license. It is now my own fault that I don’t drive. The idea of driving scares me. Especially now that I have a little in tow. But the idea of wasting away in the house also scares me.
“What If?”. that phrase really is my biggest problem. “What if I wear so and so dress, will I be looked at funny because I’m not the right size?” “What if I submit my fabric designs and no one likes them?” “What if I wreck the car?” “What if they hate me because I speak my mind?”
“Why even try?”
At first I felt selfish spouting out all this negative talk, I have edited and re-written this post so many times. But then I remembered, this is my space to talk and I should feel comfortable enough in it to say whatever I feel like saying. I feel it also shows I am a real person whose definitively not all cheery and colorful all the time. I have feelings, pretty sensitive ones actually. Sometimes you just need to get it all out without forcing one innocent bystander to listen constantly (like my poor husband and friends). I feel like this might be my first step to being a better ME, and if not, writing this post was way cheaper than a therapy session.
Has anyone else out there felt this way? Did you ever get over it? Without the help of prescribed drugs? I would love to hear your stories! If you already have a blog post just link it, otherwise I’m cool with long comments or private emails!